An act of bravery
by laughingalien
Summary: CJ has just found out that Simon has been killed. How will she cope? Find out! Please R&R :)
1. Default Chapter

Fanfic Title: An act of bravery  
  
Summary of chapter: As CJ learns the news of Simon's death her world falls apart. She wonders aimlessly around Time Square, until a familiar face comes to her rescue.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC. I have never been to the Hilton Hotel in New York so I apologise if I have got any details about the hotel wrong.  
  
The chapter begins where the episode Posse Comitatus in Season 3 ends.  
  
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Tears streamed down from her eyes as CJ couldn't come to terms with the death of Simon. She had been talking to him only a few hours earlier, when everything seemed so perfect. She had no memory of walking down the streets of Time Square or even sitting down; everything since Ron had told her Simon had died was a shock, a blur that made no sense.  
  
She sat down shaking, unable to deal with the shock. Passers-by stared at her yet she didn't notice them. All she could think able was he couldn't be dead, he was only going to the Field Office, how could he have been killed? The more she tried to make sense of it all the more the tears poured down her face.  
  
A middle aged man passing by was concerned and made his way over to her. He said "Excuse me Mam, is everything ok?" as he put his hand on her cold sweaty shoulder.  
  
CJ didn't hear the man yet his hand on her shoulder alarmed her. She moved her shoulder away as she looked up, yet the bright lights made it impossible for her to make the man out.  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." The man said "I wanted to check you're alright, if you need help or anything?"  
  
CJ could hardly speak, yet managed to say "No I'm fine"  
  
"You don't look it, let me call a cop or something"  
  
"NO! I – I just need to be left alone, please" As she tried to wipe the tears off her face.  
  
"Has someone attacked you? Are you hurt? Do you want me to take you to the hospital or something?"  
  
"NO! Please just leave me alone!" as CJ shouted these words she sank further into her seat and put her head into her hands as the tears came flooding back.  
  
Then came a familiar voice and she felt a presence sit next to her. She lifted her head up and turned to the right to see Toby sat next to her.  
  
"Excuse sir, everything is ok, you can go back to whatever you were doing." Toby said in a soft yet determined voice.  
  
At first the man didn't want to leave yet the way Toby looked at CJ made him feel it was safe to leave her with him, and he slowly made his way along the street looking back a few times to check she was ok.  
  
"I just heard, CJ I'm so sorry" Toby said sincerely.  
  
CJ look at him unable to stop crying. Toby put his arms around her and she sank her head into his chest. He held her tight, he felt she needed someone to hold her. He had never seen her in such a vulnerable state and knew that there was much more than friendship between her and Simon Donovan.  
  
"CJ let me get a cab and take you back to the hotel?"  
  
CJ didn't answer, she didn't know what to do. Everything was so confusing she didn't really know where she was or what time it was.  
  
"Please CJ, you need to get inside, your freezing." Toby said forcefully. He was worried about her. He could feel her shivering under his arms and she was in shock. He quickly took his jacket off and placed it around her shoulders.  
  
"But I – I have to get back to the..." She had just remembered she'd walked straight out of the theatre after the news. What about the President? What about the Press?  
  
CJ quickly stood up taking Toby my surprise. "I've got to get back to the theatre, the Press, the Press need me, the President needs me too. Oh my god, what is he going to say? I just walk out on my responsibilities!" CJ shouted out waving her hands in the air in despair and knocking Toby's jacket off her shoulders.  
  
Toby stood up. "CJ don't worry Sam is taking care of it. I came to look for you and take you back to the hotel."  
  
"But I...." She started to crying again. Toby picked his jacket up and put it around her again.  
  
"I'm calling a cab and we're going back to the hotel."  
  
CJ held the jacket around her tightly as the cold finally hit her. She realised she needed to get out of here and slowly nodded to Toby.  
  
Toby made his way to the edge of the sidewalk, with CJ following. He stuck out his hand and a cab came straight away.  
  
Toby helped CJ into the cab and then got in. "The Hilton hotel please on West 53rd Street." The cab quickly took off and Toby turned to CJ to check she was ok, yet she just starred out of the dirty window.  
  
The journey seemed to last ages. Toby couldn't help but look at CJ with worry; she seemed almost in a trans. When they finally arrived at the hotel, Toby was relieved to see CJ was more alert and that she wasn't shaking as much. He paid the driver and they made their way inside.  
  
CJ was startled by the bright lighting yet her eyes began to get used to it as they made their way to the elevator. Yet CJ abruptly stopped.  
  
"My swipe card for my room, I don't have it. It's back at the theatre with my stuff. Oh no!" CJ put her hand to her head in disbelief. How had she forgotten it and not realised until now?  
  
"Its ok, we'll go and get a spare one from reception and Sam can bring yours with the rest of your stuff over from the theatre. Don't worry it'll be ok." Toby was worried she'd start crying again so quickly directed CJ towards the receptionist. Toby explained she's forgotten the swipe card yet needed to get to her room. The receptionist, luckily for CJ, realised who they were and sought the situation out quickly and passed her a new swipe card.  
  
They made their way back over to the elevator and CJ held Toby's jacket closely around her. As they made their way up to the seventh floor neither spoke. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Toby was relieved that she seemed more relaxed as they made their way out of the elevator and towards her room.  
  
"Do you want me to come in and sit with your for a while?"  
  
CJ turned round to him and with a smile said "No, I think I'll be ok."  
  
"Are you sure? I can if you want?" Toby said hoping she would say yes so he could make sure she was ok.  
  
"No, I'm fine, honestly Toby. I just need to be by myself for a while. But thanks for everything tonight." She handed back his jacket and swiped the card into the door handle. She slowly walked through into the warm room and switched the lights on. All Toby could do was watch helplessly as the door slammed behind her.  
  
CJ made her way to her bed and lied down. All of a sudden the tears came back and she couldn't stop them. She lay staring out of the window. How had this all happened? Only a couple of hours ago she had thought things would be back to normally. Her stalker had been caught and with Simon no longer her agent they could finally give into their feelings. Yet one robbery had spoilt the happiness. He was dead, the man she thought could make her happy, was gone and she felt so alone. How would she ever get over it? 


	2. The morning after

Fanfic Title: An act of bravery  
  
Summary of chapter: It's the morning after and the senior White House staff are beginning to sense all is not well with CJ.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC. I have never been to the Hilton Hotel in New York so I apologise if I have got any details about the hotel wrong.  
  
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CJ's alarm clock woke her abruptly the next morning. She didn't remember setting it the night before, but presumed she'd set it before going to the theatre. As she sat up in bed, her eyes were sore from the previous nights crying. She slowly made her way to the bathroom. She didn't have the energy or motivation to get ready quickly. One part of her didn't care anymore, she just wanted to go back and lie in bed, thinking about what could have been. But the other part of her, the strong part everyone loved and respected, knew she had to get up and ready to do her job.  
  
As CJ got ready she wondered what the others were thinking. She never liked showing people her weaknesses and how people perceived her was very important to CJ. She wondered if people would have realised how much Simon meant to her. After finishing getting ready, CJ sat on her bed. She contemplated going down stairs to the restaurant. She didn't know what people would say or be thinking right now. CJ decided to sit for a while to prepare herself.  
  
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In the restaurant Toby and Sam joined Leo and Margaret at a table at the far side of the restaurant away from everyone else.  
  
"Has anyone seen CJ this morning?" Sam asked as he sat down.  
  
"No" Leo replied without taking his eyes away from the Washington Post he was reading, giving Sam the impression he wasn't very concerned about CJ.  
  
"Well shouldn't one of us go up and check on her?"  
  
"Sam I think CJ would like to be left on her own right now." Leo said still without moving his eyes from the newspaper.  
  
"Well I could go up and see her. I mean I have experience dealing with people who have lost someone close to them." Margaret said very determinedly.  
  
Sam inquired into whom Margaret knew who had died.  
  
"Well my friend Vanessa found out her dog had died whilst she was away on holiday last year and well she was really upset. But I helped to comfort her and ..."  
  
Finally Leo put his newspaper down. "Yes Margaret I think CJ could do with your help, your experience of dealing with the death of dogs will really help her right now!" Leo said sarcastically.  
  
"So should I just stay here?"  
  
"CJ will be fine. If she needs our help she'll ask for it. At the moment I think she is best left on her own and to have a lie in, I bet she didn't have much sleep last night."  
  
As Leo said this CJ came through the entrance and looked round to find them. As she made her way over to their table the waiter approached the table and asked what they wanted. Sam and Toby ordered a full English Breakfast and coffee, and Leo and Margaret asked for refills for their coffee.  
  
As CJ sat down the waiter asked what she wanted.  
  
"Just a cup of coffee thanks."  
  
"Anything to eat?"  
  
"No I'm ok thanks."  
  
"Bring her some toast as well" Leo interrupted. The waiter nodded and walked away from their table.  
  
CJ was a bit shocked by Leo's interference and he noticed. "You didn't eat much last night and well I'm sure Margaret will have them if you don't!"  
  
CJ picked up Leo's copy of the Washington Post Leo and began reading. She noticed the picture of the President on the front cover going into the theatre to the play last night. Somehow the picture brought the events of the previous night back, and she found it hard not to cry. Yet Leo noticed and tried to spark a conversation to try and keep her mind off it.  
  
"So who's idea was it to send the motorcades through New York in rush hour last night?" Leo said staring at Sam and Toby.  
  
"Well Leo I think it was a bit of both of us!" Sam said smiling at Toby.  
  
"Was he mad?" Toby asked.  
  
"Well your comments on the news last night didn't help!" said Leo with a smirk on his face.  
  
The waiter came over and poured coffee for everyone and brought Sam, Toby and CJ's breakfast. As Sam and Toby got stuck into their breakfast CJ sat there staring at her toast. She didn't feel like eating and come to think about it drinking either. She continued to read the newspaper in the hope it would some how calm her down.  
  
Sam noticed CJ hadn't touched her food or coffee. "CJ is everything ok?" And quickly added "With your food that is?", as Leo gave him an angry glance from across the table.  
  
"Yes why?" CJ replied quite sharply.  
  
"Its just you haven't eaten or touched your coffee so I wondered if there was a problem with it." Sam said trying to ask her is she was ok without upsetting her. But it didn't work.  
  
"No Sam the food is fine, I just don't feel like eating right now if that's alright with you?!" CJ replied in an angry voice.  
  
"Yes" Sam said embarrassingly. At this point everyone was staring at CJ, except Leo.  
  
CJ felt really bad. She didn't mean to take it out on Sam but his interfering wasn't helping and she really didn't want to be around anyone right now.  
  
Leo decided he needed to talk to her. He sensed her anger and knew he had to calm her down or she wouldn't be fit to work. As Leo got up from the table he said "CJ could you come to my room with me for a minute, you need to be briefed about something before you face the press today."  
  
CJ was a bit shocked by Leo, she expected him to give her more time before having a quick word with her to check she was ok. But she got up and followed Leo to his room.  
  
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Leo's room was far grander than hers. It was large with a separate study which he showed her into.  
  
As he pointed to a chair for her to sit down, Leo said "CJ are you alright?"  
  
"Yes I'm fine." CJ answered in a calm voice as she made herself comfortable in the seat.  
  
"I know you and Simon became close whilst he was a signed to you."  
  
"What do you mean Leo? He was my agent that was it!" CJ said in a way as to try and defend herself.  
  
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that when you are signed special service protection you spend a lot of time with your agent and you are bound to build a relationship. I think we all noticed in the beginning the relationship wasn't strong, everyone knew about your dislike of being assigned an agent yet after a while you understood it was for your own protection and your attitude changed."  
  
"Leo, where is this all going?"  
  
"CJ, Last night was a shock for you. You mustn't blame yourself."  
  
"I don't" She replied, lying.  
  
"I think I know you better than that to know you are feeling pretty guilty right now." CJ was shocked that he did in fact know her so well.  
  
"I am fine. I know it's not my fault. Yes I was upset, but it was the shock. One minute I have someone after me threatening to kill me and an agent assigned to me, and the next the person had been caught and my gent killed."  
  
"CJ don't lie to me."  
  
"I'm not" CJ shouted.  
  
Leo stood staring out of the window down at all the people in the street below. "CJ I admire you. You are determinant and strong, but once in a while it's fine to show your weak side and ask for help."  
  
"Leo I'm fine."  
  
"Ok then."  
  
"Is that it?" CJ asked in surprise. She couldn't understand how easily he'd given in.  
  
"Yes you can go and get ready."  
  
As CJ got up to leave the room, Leo turned round. "You might want to ask Toby to deal with the press for at least today. They know about Simon and they might ask some awkward questions."  
  
"I'll be fine." She replied with a smile, and left the room.  
  
Leo turned back round to the window. He hoped she would be fine, but he knew she's lied to him.  
  
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Margaret left the restaurant after finishing CJ's untouched toast and went to her room check she'd packed everything.  
  
As Sam and Toby finished their breakfast, Sam asked "What do you think Leo will say to CJ?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Do you reckon he's briefing her or do you think it was a cover story?"  
  
"I think it was almost certainly a cover story."  
  
"Me too" Sam replied. "So why do you think Leo wouldn't let me ask CJ how she was?"  
  
"I guess because he thought your constant question asking this morning wouldn't help matters."  
  
Sam took the hint to shut up on the subject and finished his coffee.  
  
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The motorcade arrived outside the hotel as the President and all the senior White House staff made their way through the lobby. The President got into the limonene and the rest got into the black cars behind. CJ got into the last one with Toby.  
  
"I know you must be sick of people asking you this question right now, but are you ok?"  
  
CJ smiled and said "I think so." She turned to Toby and said "Thanks for last night. If you hadn't come to find me, well I'd probably still be there."  
  
Toby smiled and said "Anytime you ever need me, I'll be there."  
  
As the car made its way to the airport, CJ felt like she wasn't as alone as she'd believed last night. She had so many people around her that cared but would she let them in? She hardly ever asked for help, but she knew that if she was going to get over this she would need the help of those closest by. 


	3. Trust

Fanfic Title: An act of bravery  
  
Summary of chapter: During the flight back to Washington, CJ feels no one trusts her, especially Toby.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC.  
  
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The plane journey back to Washington DC was pretty quiet. To CJ annoyance, it had been decided that Sam would deal with the Press, so she found a quiet corner of the plane to sit and catch up on some reading. Yet she was in no mood to read. She was still as emotional as the night before yet had learnt to hide it. The worst part was that she felt like no one trusted her to be able to do her job. Since she had heard the news about Simon's death she had not had contact with the Press. Granted that the night before she was in no state to do her job, but now she felt physically and mentally capable of doing it. She sat staring out of the window bitterly, how dare they demean her in this way!  
  
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Sam finally found Toby in one of the private study rooms on board Air Force One.  
  
"I've briefed the Press but they are starting to ask questions about Simon Donavon."  
  
"Did you deal with them?" Toby replied whilst carrying on reading his document.  
  
"Yes but they know he was CJ's agent and they, well, they want to know more details. Was he killed whilst on duty? What's CJ reaction? Is that why she's not briefing them?"  
  
"And how did you reply?"  
  
"Well how do you think? I answered their questions as best I could!" At this stage Sam was starting to get uptight. He didn't usually brief the press and he wasn't entirely sure what he was allowed to say. But the worse part was he felt like he was going behind CJ's back. He wasn't happy she'd been sidelined so quickly and he was sure she wasn't happy either.  
  
"Good." Toby remained calm and carried on reading, until he asked "What did you say about CJ to the press?"  
  
"Well I said he was no longer her agent when he was killed and she was shocked by what had happened, yet dealing with it well."  
  
"Shocked, but dealing with it well! Couldn't you have put it differently?" Toby said angrily as he turned to Sam.  
  
"What the hell was I supposed to say Toby? Lie to the press?!"  
  
"No, but you could have made it less obvious that it had hit her hard!"  
  
"I had to think on the spot, I said what I thought was best and maybe if you feel like that you should have briefed the press instead!" Sam shouted.  
  
"Ok" Toby was surprised by Sam's outburst. He knew Sam's choice of words weren't great but he would have found it difficult to come up with a better way of putting it on the spot. Toby just felt bad for CJ, he was concerned for her and he didn't want the press making it worse for her.  
  
"Toby, I'm sorry"  
  
"No, it's ok. Maybe I was too harsh on you."  
  
"Ok, anyway I need to go and speak to CJ. Katy said CJ was meant to give her a source and hasn't."  
  
Sam left the room. Toby sat in silence. He was worried about CJ. It was his idea to sideline her for a while and let Sam deal the press but he was worried the longer she was away from the press the harder she'd find it to go back.  
  
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"Hey CJ."  
  
CJ hadn't even noticed that Sam was stood next to her until he had spoken.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"I've briefed the press but Katy wondered if you had the source for her at the Federal Bank for her article."  
  
"Shoot!" CJ remembered she had promised to give it her this morning and had totally forgotten. "Ok tell her I'll come and give it to her in a minute."  
  
"Or I could give it her?" Sam wasn't sure why he said it. He wasn't sure if CJ was meant to go near the press or not and after the questions that had been asked about her he was worried that if she went to Katy, the press would start asking CJ about the incident.  
  
"What?" CJ reacted angrily to what Sam had said. It was like no one trusted her right now. "Have you got orders or something to keep me away from the press?"  
  
"No, it's not like that CJ. People are just worried about you and it was decided that it would be better if I dealt with the press for today at least." Sam tried to calm the situation down, but to no prevail.  
  
"Who decided this?" CJ was really frustrated now. "Didn't anyone bother to ask me what I wanted?!"  
  
"I think people just thought they were doing the right thing." Sam could sense her frustration and anger yet he could understand why she felt like she did.  
  
"Who made the decision?"  
  
"It was a joint decision!"  
  
"Who made the decision Sam?!" CJ shouted.  
  
"Toby" Sam couldn't believe he'd told her. He didn't mean to, after all it was a joint decision yet it had been Toby who'd urged Leo to do it.  
  
"Right" CJ replied more calmly than her previous sentence. Yet inside she was as angry as ever. How dare he make that decision? How could he think she was incapable of being able to work? Didn't he know her at all?  
  
Sam realised CJ was upset. He sensed she felt betrayed by her friends, like no one trusted her to be able to do her job or that she was weak. "Don't read too much into it CJ. We just felt like you needed a rest, to come to term with what had happened."  
  
"How many times do I have to tell people that I am fine? Why does no one believe me?" CJ sank into her seat and rubbed her eyes with her hand. Sam sat down next to her and looked at her. It was then that he realised the constant questions weren't helping and what CJ needed most of all was for things to go back to normal.  
  
"CJ I'm sorry. I truly thought we were helping. I never meant to make things worse."  
  
CJ turned to Sam and saw how upset he was. She knew everyone was trying to help but it didn't stop her feeling angry with them. "Sam I know you guys only meant well but it's making me feel worse."  
  
Sam stared at her for a while. He felt like he'd let her down. "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's ok. It's not your fault. If anything I should have handled it better."  
  
"CJ don't beat yourself up about it. It's been hard for you. You just need a bit of time to get over it and you'll be fine." Sam smiled at CJ and she gave a little smile back.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You want to do the briefing before we leave the plane?" Sam asked.  
  
Sam's words filled CJ with warmth. She felt like he trusted her, that she was capable of doing her job. But she was so tired and even though she wanted to get back to her job she needed just a bit more time. "Thanks Sam, but I think you should carry on for today. You're doing a great job."  
  
"Ok." He smiled at her again. "Well let me know if you want me to carry on tomorrow." Sam said as he started to get up from his seat.  
  
"Thanks for the offer but I'll be fine."  
  
Sam walked away. Part of CJ felt relieved, she had finally got through to someone that she was ok and capable of doing her normal duties. Yet part of her was also scared. She was still upset about the incident, nothing had changed that. She couldn't stop thinking about Simon and the guilt that existed within her. Inside of her she felt so empty, like she had lost a part of her that she'd never get back. She felt like she was dealing with it better physically, but mentally she was a wreck. She lay back for a while in her chair, gazing out of the window at the sky. Everything seemed so peaceful and pretty. She wondered to herself why life couldn't be more like that?  
  
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Sam knocked on the door to the President's office onboard the plane.  
  
"Come in" shouted the voice of the President.  
  
Sam entered the room and saw the President and Leo sitting down next to a coffee table covered in paper.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt you Mr President but I got a message that Leo wanted to speak to me."  
  
"That's ok Sam, I just wanted to say that I have had Ginger change round a few of your appointments tomorrow so that you can do the press briefings." Leo said.  
  
"But what about CJ? I thought I was only doing the briefings for today?" Sam was shocked that Leo still didn't think that CJ was capable of doing her duties.  
  
"I think she needs more time and Toby said that the press are asking questions about what happened to Simon Donavan."  
  
"Did Toby tell you to let me do the briefings again?" After the conversation at breakfast with Leo, Sam couldn't understand why Leo would sideline CJ again. It wasn't like him. It had to be Toby.  
  
"As a matter of fact Toby did ask me but I fail to see what that has to do with it."  
  
"With all due respect Leo I think Toby has got it wrong."  
  
"Sam what are you implying?" the President said. Sam was shocked that he'd got involved with the conversation.  
  
"Well sir I think CJ needs to be allowed to do her job. She needs something to get on with, something to take her mind off what happened. She also needs to know we trust her."  
  
"Of course we trust her Sam" Leo said in an angry voice. "But if the press are going to be asking questions about Simon then I don't think CJ should be the one to answer them."  
  
"You don't think they are going to ask them to her when she gets back?" Sam replied sincerely. "No matter how long we give her, the next time she stands in front of the press they are going to ask those questions that we are protecting her from. And the longer we leave it the harder it's going to be for her."  
  
"Sam's right Leo." President stared at Sam for a minute. "Sidelining CJ today was the right thing to do but she needs to be allowed to do her job."  
  
"You're right Mr President." Leo never wanted to sideline CJ but had been persuaded by Toby. He knew it wasn't like him not to go with his gut feeling. Leo knew Toby was right today to get Sam to deal with the press, but he also knew he was wrong to want Sam to continue tomorrow. "Sam you will finish dealing with the press today and then CJ will be continue tomorrow."  
  
"Yes sir. Would you like me to tell Toby?" Sam wasn't sure why he wanted to tell him so much. It wasn't really to gloat as he knew Toby was only looking out for a friend.  
  
"If you want."  
  
"Thank you." As Sam left the room he smiled to the president.  
  
"Leo, have you spoken to CJ?" Since hearing the news of Simon's death the President had been concerned for CJ. He knew he had to persuade her at the beginning to have the protection and everyone knew she wasn't happy about it, but he had sensed a bond had developed between CJ and Simon.  
  
"I have and she seems to be fine." Leo said calmly as he picked up some of the paper on the coffee table and began reading it.  
  
"Leo, are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then why did you take Toby's advice and sideline her today?"  
  
Leo knew the President's question was justified, but he knew after his conversation with her at the hotel he had no option but to sideline her. She was in no fit state to deal with the press, even if she didn't realise it.  
  
"Because I felt that she needed a break. But she'll be fine."  
  
The president trusted Leo's judgement above anyone else and if he felt that CJ was ok then CJ was ok.  
  
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As the plane landed everyone got ready to leave. CJ gathered her stuff together and made her way off the plane, trying to avoid Toby. She didn't feel in the mood to speak to him right now.  
  
"Hey CJ wait up." Came a familiar voice.  
  
"Hi Leo." CJ was surprised to see Leo just before her.  
  
"Be in the office early tomorrow, I need to talk to you before the morning press briefing."  
  
"Ok" CJ smiled at Leo. She was happy that it seemed he finally believed that she was ok.  
  
"Also get one of the cars to drop you off at home tonight. There's no point you coming back to the West Wing and your car is at home." It had just dawned on CJ that she was now free to drive her own car as she had no special protection. For the past month she'd had to be driven around with an agent. But then she also realised she'd be at home alone. She'd started to get used to an agent being with her everywhere she went. Even though she'd hated having protection, part of her wanted it back right now. The thought of going back to her lonely apartment scared her.  
  
"Leo, I need to finish some stuff off at the office."  
  
"It can wait until tomorrow. Go home and have a good nights rest." Leo smiled at CJ and started to walk ahead of her.  
  
CJ made her way to one of the cars waiting for the staffers. She decided Leo was right, she had to face up to things and asked the driver to take her home.  
  
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As CJ made her way inside her apartment she felt weird. She'd got used to having agents with her all the time and now she was truly alone. The apartment was so cold and dark. Part of her wished he'd gone back to the White House to avoid facing being alone.  
  
She decided to take Leo's advice and have an early night. She lay in her bed. She felt so tired yet she couldn't sleep. The events of the last 24 hours rolled over in her head. She couldn't understand how so much could happen in such a short space of time. She felt so lonely. Yes she had friends that cared about her, but none of them knew what she was going through and she didn't want any of them knowing either. She kept thinking of Simon and the feeling when they kissed. Yet the guilt was too much. CJ started crying. This was all her fault. If only he hadn't been her agent then he would still be alive. She tried to dry her eyes but it was no use, the tears continued. She had spent the day telling people she was ok but in reality she wasn't. As the tears poured down her face, CJ wondered if the feelings would ever go away. 


	4. The press briefing

Fanfic Title: An act of bravery  
  
Summary of chapter: It's CJ's first day back at work and the press have quite a few questions to ask her about her relationship with Simon.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC.  
  
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CJ got to work early the next morning. She had hardly got any sleep the night before and she'd given up trying at 5am. As she entered the White House at 6.30am everything was quiet, the only people who were there were security staff and cleaners. CJ made her way to her office and threw her bag and coat onto her sofa. She sat behind the desk and wondered how she'd get through the day. Her eyes felt so heavy and soar from crying the night before and having no sleep, yet she'd done her best with make up to disguise the bags under her eyes. She placed her head in her hands and closed her eyes, trying to reduce the pain.  
  
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"CJ!"  
  
CJ quickly jumped up. She stared around her office in confusion and then saw Carol standing at her side.  
  
"Sorry CJ, but Leo wants to talk to you in his office."  
  
"What? What time is it?" CJ looked at her watch. "Wait that can't be right. 8am. But I only got here a few minutes ago." CJ sat sharing at the wall. It felt like she'd only been sitting at her desk for a couple of minutes but in reality it had been an hour and a half.  
  
"CJ you were asleep when I arrive at 7."  
  
"Why didn't you wake me?" CJ said angrily.  
  
"You looked peaceful and I didn't want to disturb you." Carol thought she was doing the right thing. It wasn't like CJ to fall asleep at her desk but after what she'd been through Carol really felt that she could do with the sleep.  
  
CJ stood up angrily and said "Next time wake me!" As she left the room Carol stood frozen to the spot with worry. It wasn't like CJ to shout at her for something like this.  
  
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Leo was answering emails when Margaret came into his office to say CJ was here to see her.  
  
"Send her on."  
  
As CJ walked in Leo gestured to her to sit on his sofa and he sat down on the chair next to the sofa.  
  
"CJ I called you in, well, to prepare you for today."  
  
"What do you mean?" CJ wasn't totally sure what Leo was getting at. Did he still think she was incapable of doing her job and in need of help?  
  
"Yesterday Sam got a lot of questions about Simon's death. The press know he was your agent and wanted to know what happened." Leo paused and picked up the newspaper on the coffee table next to him. Passing the newspaper to CJ he said "I don't know if you've had a chance to read the papers today but Simon's story is in all of them."  
  
CJ grabbed the newspaper and stared at it for a while. She had no idea the press would be this interested in what had happened. Yes an agent being killed was serious but in the past they usually weren't covered in a lot of detail, only if it happened in a high profile event.  
  
Leo realised CJ was in shock. "If you want I can ask Sam to do the briefings today."  
  
"No its fine, I'll do them" CJ responded without taking her eyes away from the paper.  
  
"No one will think any worse of you by not doing the briefing."  
  
"I can do it Leo."  
  
"Ok then. Here is a transcript of the briefings Sam did yesterday. It might help you know what the press has been told and what they haven't." CJ put the newspaper down and received the transcript from Leo.  
  
"Ok." As she stood up and left his office CJ wondered where she should have asked for Sam to do the briefing. She was worried about the questions that might be asked and how the press would perceive her. She needed to prepare herself; it was going to be tough.  
  
As CJ left, Leo wondered if he'd done the right thing. Was she really ready to deal with the press? She'd told him she was ok, but what worried Leo was what she hadn't told him. CJ could be very reserved when she wanted to be and Leo knew that she had to let her feelings out and talk about it if she was ever going to deal with what had happened.  
  
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CJ sat at her desk reading the transcript of the press briefings from the previous day. Somehow as she read about the incident she felt so cold. Her skin was pale and sweaty. She found it hard to take in the words describing what had happened. Tears began to fall down her face. She'd never realised how brave he was. He'd walked into an armed robbery and done his duty, yet he was the one who'd got punished for it. She knew he wouldn't have been scared, he'd dealt with worse situations than a robbery before. Yet CJ couldn't help but think about the pain he must have gone through and how he must have felt when those bullets hit him. She could hardly carry on reading as tears streamed down her face. She felt so pathetic, she was the one still alive and she bet he hadn't cried. She wished she was as brave as him. But she needed to be brave to get through this. She had possibly the worse press briefing she'd ever have to give next and she didn't know if she could get through it.  
  
She grabbed a tissue from her pocket and began to wipe the tears away. He had to get ready mentally and physically. It wasn't going to be easy but if she put it off today then it would still be there tomorrow and the same questions would be waiting for her.  
  
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It was a couple of minutes before 10am and the senior White House staffers were sat by their televisions waiting for the press briefing. Sam was in Toby's office with Josh and Leo was working at his desk with the television on in front of him.  
  
"Are we sure she can do this?" Josh said uneasily. "She didn't look too good this morning and the press can sense when something's wrong."  
  
"Give her a chance Josh," Sam sensed he hadn't persuaded everyone that CJ was ok.  
  
Toby just sat there. As far as he was concerned putting CJ before the press so soon was a big mistake.  
  
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As CJ walked into the briefing room cameras flashed and the noise of the White House press core quietened down. She was used to this but it didn't help her nerves. She made her way to the podium and put her paper's down. She felt everyone staring at her, a lot more than usual and she gripped the podium tighter than usual to steady herself.  
  
"Ok I have a few announcements first and then you'll have a chance to ask questions." CJ spoke calmly and hearing the steadiness of her voice out loud gave her confidence.  
  
"CJ before you start can I ask ..."  
  
Before the reporter could finish CJ interrupted. "There isn't much to report so let me getting that out of the way first and you'll have the chance to ask the questions you're all eager to ask." The press and even CJ were surprised at how calm she sounded. As she read out the announcements she had, she started to feel more confident. She wasn't as nervous and managed to let go of the podium.  
  
"Ok now for questions. Katy." The press could sense the confidence in her voice.  
  
"Yesterday it was reported that Special Agent Simon Donovan had been killed. He was your agent until a couple of hours before his death. Do you have a comment on what happened?"  
  
This was the questions CJ was dreading yet she knew it was coming so had prepared for it.  
  
"Yes, Special Agent Donovan was assigned to me. He was a talented agent and he will be greatly missed. My heart goes out to his family and friends at this difficult time for them." CJ kept her cool. She tried not to show too much emotion, speaking of him like she didn't know him well but well enough to know he was a good guy. "Bill."  
  
Sorry CJ but..." Katy interrupted. "I have a follow up question." CJ stared at her for a while and then said "Ok."  
  
"CJ, how do you feel personally about Special Agent Donovan's death, having known him?"  
  
CJ felt her heart sink into her chest. No one knew how much she was hurting right now about his death but she couldn't show her emotion, especially not to the White House press core. "I knew Special Agent Donovan for about a month. I was shocked about his death, he was a fine agent, and I feel for his family and friends right now." As she finished the sentence she looked down at her podium. She needed a second to compose herself before she continued.  
  
"Yes Bill." CJ said lifting her head up and pointing at the reporter.  
  
"When were you told about Special Agent Donovan's death and how did you react to the news?" CJ's heart sank furtherer into her chest as she relived Ron telling her what had happened.  
  
"Ronald Butterfield told me what happened." CJ didn't want to think about her reaction. She had reacted badly yet she didn't want the press to know this. "Mike."  
  
"Sorry CJ but you didn't answer the second part of my question. How did you react to the news?"  
  
CJ really didn't want to answer the question and things were starting to get to her now. "I was shocked and upset about the news as anyone would be. Mike"  
  
The press could sense CJ's frustration at the questioning, but even though they admired her they weren't going to stop asking.  
  
"Was your reaction to the news that your agent had been killed the reason you haven't been doing your duties until now?" Mike's question really angered CJ. How dare they ask her such intrusive questions?  
  
"Special Agent Donovan was no longer my agent when he died."  
  
"But was the fact that you were upset about his death the reason Sam Seaborn briefed us yesterday?" CJ could feel the eyes of everyone in the room on her. Of course that was the reason, yet could she admit it? Dare she admit? She looked down at the podium at her notes to give her chance to decide on an answer.  
  
"No, that was not the reason." She had lied, well technically not. The reason she hadn't briefed them was she wasn't allowed to. "Anne."  
  
"I have a source that says that you and Special Agent Donvan were having a relationship, is this true?" The entire press core looked at Anne and then to CJ. CJ stood in shock. What source was this? Who would say that? Ok they had liked each other but had never had the chance to even develop a relationship.  
  
"No, that is not true. Special Agent Donovan was my agent and I was his protectee, that was it." CJ could feel the blood in her body boiling. Yes the press had the right to ask questions but these questions? How could they think just personal questions could have any benefit to the public.  
  
Anne continued. "Are you sure? My source is pretty sure there was something going on between you two."  
  
These words hit CJ hard. "I am sure. Maybe you should question the reliability of your source." CJ's voice was no longer calm and she could tell everyone had noticed.  
  
"Ok that's it for now, see you at the afternoon briefing." CJ quickly exited the briefing room. The press left behind started to talk amongst themselves. Was there any truth to what Anne had said?  
  
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"Well I think she handled herself extremely well." Sam said to Toby and Josh as they walked CJ exit the briefing room on the television.  
  
"What do you think all that was about with Anne saying there was something going on between them? Do you think it was true?" Josh asked. He seemed as confused as the press in the briefing room.  
  
"No. There couldn't have been. They didn't get on, she hated him being around her." Sam replied, looking as confused as Josh.  
  
"She hated the protection. But for the past week it seemed they were getting on very well."  
  
"Well yes, but I thought that was because she was getting used to her protection, not that they were seeing each other. Come on this is CJ. She hasn't had a relationship in years. She's totally professional and so was he."  
  
Toby hadn't spoken since the press briefing had finished. "Toby what do you think" Sam asked.  
  
"I don't know." He thought he knew CJ well. He knew that CJ was professional, yet part of him wasn't sure if there was some small strand of truth in what Anne had said. He knew how upset CJ was when he found her in Time Square and wondered if she had some feelings for Simon. He was worried for her. CJ had questioned the reliability of Anne's source and as a result challenged Anne to provide evidence of their relationship. He knew Anne would rise to the challenge, any reporter would and he feared that she may well find evidence.  
  
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It had been a few hours since CJ's morning briefing, yet the time had flown by. She had spent the last few hours catching up on reading yet she'd hardly been able to concentrate. What had happened at the briefing kept going round in her head. She was angry at the questions asked yet worse of all was what Anne had said. Part of her was worried that there was evidence of her and Simon. The only evidence she could think of was someone may have caught them sharing a kiss outside the theatre the night of the shooting as there was a lot of press around. CJ knew that this was after he was no longer her agent yet she knew that's not how the press would see it. Yet she knew there was nothing she could do now. She had to prepare for her afternoon briefing.  
  
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Toby waited at Margaret desk for her to return from Leo's office.  
  
"He can see you know" Margaret said as she held open the door to Leo's office.  
  
Toby made his way in and Margaret closed the door behind him.  
  
"Is that the report I asked for?" Leo asked as he gestured to the file held in Toby's hand. Toby had forgotten he was even holding it. He had a lot on his mind right now.  
  
"Thanks." Leo said as Toby passed him the file. "CJ did ok in the briefing. She started to let it get away from her at the end but all in all she handled it very well."  
  
"Yes" was all Toby could respond with.  
  
"I suppose you heard Anne's remarks?" Toby nodded. "I can't believe she said that. Like CJ would do something like that."  
  
Toby was a little shocked Leo had rejected Anne's comments so easily without even questioning them. Yet Toby didn't want to show Leo his concerns. He wasn't entirely sure if he did actually believe Anne, even slightly. He didn't want Leo to sense that he didn't entirely trust CJ so he left Leo's office promptly.  
  
As Toby made his way back to his office he wondered if he should speak to CJ. He was worried about her yet he didn't want her to realise that he didn't completely trust her right now. He decided not to say anything and see what happened in the afternoon briefing.  
  
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It was 15minutes before the afternoon briefing and CJ was starting to feel very nervous. She hadn't spoken to the press since the morning briefing and had no idea what they would ask. She decided to switch her computer on and check her emails to take her mind off things for a minute. As she glanced down her inbox she noticed a very familiar email address, she had an email from Danny. With a smiled she opened and read the email.  
  
"Hi CJ, I heard about what happened to your agent and I'm deeply sorry. I know it will have hit you hard. I saw your press briefing and I just wanted to say how well you handled yourself. It can't have been easy for you and I bet you're hating most reporters right now, but don't let them get to you. They're trying to make you the story and don't give them the satisfaction. From what I've heard no one thinks there is any truth in Anne's allegations anyway. I have no need to tell you how many reporters disrespect her for the many allegations she's made against the White House in her career, none of which have been proved correct. Anyway I have to go now, I have a game of cricket to play. I never realised how much people in Bermuda liked the game! I'll write again soon. Take care of yourself CJ, Love, Danny"  
  
It wasn't until she'd finished reading the email that she realised a tear had dripped down her face to the bottom of her chin. From what Danny had said no one within the press believed what Anne had said, to CJ's relief. His email had given her confidence. She looked at her watch and realised it was time to get everything together to take with her to the briefing room. As she switched her computer and gathered her notes together she checked in the mirror to make sure no one would be able to tell she'd been crying and then made her way out of her office.  
  
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CJ entered the briefing room with more confidence than in the morning. Danny's email had given her hope that maybe the press would stop asking questions about Simon's death.  
  
"I have a few announcements to make and then I'll take a couple of questions" CJ said as she stood behind the podium. She read through the announcements in the same manner as she had done in the morning, and slowly she grew in confidence.  
  
"Ok time for questions, Katy."  
  
"I have spoken to someone at the Federal Bank who said there is feeling there that the interest rate is too high and are causing considerable problems for the economy. Is the President worried about the rate of interest and if so what does he plan to do?"  
  
CJ was shocked by Katy's question. She thought she'd receive more questions about what had happened to Simon for the entire briefing. Yet no, within a few hours everything had changed.  
  
"Yes the President is aware of the feelings of some economic analysers that the interest rate is too high and it will be on the agenda at the meeting the president has with his economic advisors next weeks."  
  
The briefing carried on in the same manner. There were no more questions about Simon's death. There was only follow up questions to her announcements and that was it. As she grew in confidence she looked round the press room to see if Anne was there but she wasn't. Part of CJ wanted her there to see if she had found any evidence about her allegations yet the other part of her was just glad that things seemed to be getting back to normal.  
  
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When CJ got back to her office Ron was inside. As she walked in she started to worry about what he was there for. She wondered if he came to tell her that they'd arrested the wrong person and in fact there was still someone trying to kill her. But then it struck her, had he seen the morning press briefing? Anne had made a serious allegation that one of his agents had had a relationship with his protectee and she knew it was against the rules.  
  
CJ entered and managed to say "Hi Ron."  
  
He could sense that she was worried and decided to get straight to the point. "CJ I just came to tell you that Simon's funeral has been arranged for Friday at 1pm. Well I thought you'd like to know." These words hit CJ hard. It had never crossed her mind that he may be there to tell her the funeral arrangements.  
  
"Ok thanks." She turned away from him to try and find her emotions by putting something in her coat pocket.  
  
Ron didn't know how to bring this up but felt he had to. "CJ I saw the briefing this morning and well I just wanted to say we had to investigate the allegation the reporter made."  
  
CJ turned round quickly to face Ron. "What?" CJ couldn't believe what she's heard. "What she said is not true Ron."  
  
"I believe you CJ, its just we have to investigate any allegation made against one of our agents and well her newspaper has asked for a statement from us."  
  
CJ looked away and said "Ok then."  
  
"CJ I'm sorry but I have to ask you this. Did you and Special Agent Simon Donovan have a personal relationship whilst he was your agent?"  
  
His words hit CJ hard but she knew they hadn't done anything wrong. "No we didn't."  
  
"Ok then, I won't waste anymore of your time." As he started to leave her office Ron turned round and said "I hope to see you at the funeral. You did well today by the way." He smiled and left.  
  
CJ made her way to her desk and sat on her chair. Maybe Anne's allegations weren't over. She sat there for a while thinking. It had been a long hard day and her lack of sleep was finally catching up with her. She had hardly spoken to any of the senior White House staff all day and wondered what they were thinking. Did they believe the allegations?  
  
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There was a knock at CJ's door.  
  
"Come in." She shouted. As she looked up from the papers she was reading she was surprised to see Sam walking in.  
  
"Hi CJ. I just thought I'd come round and see how you're doing. I haven't spoken to you all day and well I wanted to say how well you handled yourself today." Sam smiled at CJ.  
  
"Thanks Sam." CJ replied putting the papers she was reading down on her desk.  
  
"Everyone thinks you did well today."  
  
"OK." CJ wasn't sure how to reply. Had they expected her to mess up?  
  
"Anyway I'll leave you to it." Sam promptly left as he got the impression she wanted to be left on her own.  
  
She knew Sam had come round to compliment her but as far as she was concerned he hadn't. She was insulted that they thought she wouldn't be able to handle the press. As she thought over the days events, part of her just wondered if she was overreacting to what Sam had said. She knew he just meant well but it didn't stop her thinking that some people still thought she shouldn't be working.  
  
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It was about 9pm before CJ left the White House. Sam was the only one out of the senior White House staff that had come to see her after the press briefings. This played on her mind a bit. Part of her wondered if they were avoiding her or if they just thought she wanted to be on her own.  
  
"CJ" shouted a familiar voice.  
  
As she turned round she was shocked to see Toby running behind her, trying to catch up with her.  
  
"Hi Toby." She waited for him to catch up to her and then said "Is everything ok?"  
  
"Yes I just thought I'd walk with you for a bit." Part of CJ wasn't sure if she believed him. They didn't live near each other and he'd never walked home with her before.  
  
"Sorry I haven't been round to see you today. I've been in meetings all day, but Sam said he'd called round."  
  
"Yes he did." CJ replied. She wasn't totally sure if the true reason for Toby not coming round was due to meetings or that he couldn't face her.  
  
"The press gave you a tough time this morning."  
  
"Yes but I handled it, to the surprise of many I presume." CJ wasn't sure why she said it. She didn't really want to make an issue out of the fact she felt no one trusted her. Yet from what she'd heard it seemed that it was Toby who was the one trying to sideline her.  
  
Toby was shocked by CJ's comments. "No one wanted you to do badly today CJ."  
  
"But that's what you were all thinking would happen."  
  
"No it's not. Why would you think such a thing?"  
  
"The lack of trust you all showed me yesterday, the fact you all seem surprised that I didn't leave the briefing room in tears this morning, would you like me to go on?"  
  
"You've got it all wrong. We were just looking out for you." Toby sensed CJ was angry and in particularly with him.  
  
"But you don't need to. I'm fine."  
  
"As you keep saying, but CJ are you really fine?"  
  
CJ didn't answer. She wasn't sure why as she'd got used to saying the words "I'm fine" for the last couple of days.  
  
"CJ I'm worried about you. Everyone thinks you're coping with Simon's death well but I don't think you're coping at all."  
  
All CJ could do was stand there staring at Toby. He was right yet she couldn't admit it.  
  
"Simon's death has hit you hard and I think there's more to it than everyone thinks."  
  
"What do you mean by that Toby? Don't tell me you believe Anne?" CJ was angry. How could Toby believe a reporter over her?  
  
"Hey I never said that" Toby replied, grabbing CJ's hand, trying to show her he was her friend. "I meant maybe you had developed a stronger relationship with Simon than any of us had realised."  
  
CJ didn't answer yet pulled her hand away from his. He was right but it went a lot further than just friendship. Both CJ and Simon had wanted more than friendship yet hadn't been given the chance.  
  
"Anyway I have to go this way" Toby said as he pointed in the opposite direction to where CJ was heading. "CJ please come and talk to me if you need to. I'm always here and talking may help."  
  
"I will. Anyway I better get going. Bye." She turned away from Toby and carried on walking down the street.  
  
Toby stood for a while staring at her. He was now convinced that there had been more than friendship between CJ and Simon. As he walked home all he could think about was what if Anne found evidence for her allegations? CJ meant a lot to him and he had to look out for her, as he wasn't sure if she was capable of looking out for herself right now.  
  
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When CJ entered her apartment she sat down on her sofa. She thought through the events of the day. She'd been sat there sixteen hours earlier, dreading going to work, but she'd got through it. The prospect of work tomorrow didn't seem as bad. Yet Anne's allegations swirled around her head. She knew there was no truth in them. They had never been given chance to see each other. Yet she knew how the press could twist things. She feared for what Anne may say in her report the next day. Yet what Toby had said on the way home had also troubled her. She got the impression he didn't believe that there was nothing going on between her and Simon. CJ's eyes started to close and her tiredness had finally caught up with her. She got ready for bed and got straight off to sleep for the first time in three nights. 


	5. The funeral

Fanfic Title: An act of bravery  
  
Summary of chapter: CJ attends Simon's funeral and can no longer find her grief from her friends.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC.  
  
Thank you so much for the reviews. This is my first ever fanfic so I really value what you're saying. Hope you like the chapter. Take care :)  
  
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The week passed pretty quietly for CJ. No one mentioned Simon's death in the press briefings and to her surprised Anne hadn't been seen in the White House since she'd made her allegations. She thought maybe things would finally start getting back to normal.  
  
People had stopped worrying about CJ. She was looking more confident everyday and the bags under her eyes were starting to go. Yet Toby was still not convinced. At the beginning of the week he asked her several times a day if she was ok, but her reaction put him off continuing to ask it. Even if CJ had managed to fool everyone else into thinking she was ok, Toby knew she couldn't disguise it from him. He watched all of her press briefing to see how she acted. To anyone else, CJ looked liked nothing had happened and she was the same cheerful person. Yet Toby noticed that every time she entered the briefing room she glanced around, as if searching for someone and it wasn't until it seemed she was sure the person wasn't there, that she relax. Toby could sense that it was Anne she was looking for and that her allegations were still on her mind.  
  
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The day CJ was dreading had come. CJ was worried about going to Simon's funeral. She didn't want to fuel Anne's allegation and she wasn't sure if she would be able to keep the tears back. But she had no choice, she had to go. Simon had meant so much to her and she had to say good bye to him.  
  
Sam and Toby had asked CJ if she wanted them to go with her to the funeral but she'd said no. She didn't want them to sense the extent of her loss and feelings, so had said she was fine going alone.  
  
As CJ entered the church she was over whelmed by the amount of people there. She sat near the back; she didn't want to draw attention to being there and wanted to be alone. She sat there for a while thinking. So much grief had built up inside her and she felt like she couldn't hold it in any longer.  
  
As the coffin came into the church everyone stood up. CJ had to hold onto the pew in front as she was starting to feel slightly dizzy. This was the first time she'd seen Simon since he'd left her at the theatre. It was so final and it suddenly dawned on CJ that he was dead; it was something about seeing the coffin made it seem so much more real. As she watched the coffin going down the aisle with Simon's family behind, she could feel tears dripping down her face. She quickly tried to wipe them away before anyone could see her.  
  
The funeral was a blur to CJ. She couldn't concentrate during it and just stood and sang when instructed. She felt so alone. She'd had such strong feelings for him and he'd been taken away from her. Everything seemed so wrong. Why him? She could feel the tears pouring down her face now but she didn't care. What was the point anymore?  
  
As the funeral came to a close CJ prepared herself to say good bye to Simon. She didn't want to go to the gave, it was a family occasion, so this was her last chance. She closed her eyes and said the words she wanted him to hear in her mind. She told him how much she liked him, how he made her feel safe and how she liked him being taller than her. She apologised for the way she acted when he was first assigned to her and how much she regretted it.  
  
All of a sudden she realised music was playing and opened her eyes to see everyone stood up. Simon's coffin was coming down the aisle. She quickly stood up and watched. She could see the grief on the faces of his family he'd left behind. She recognised Anthony from when Simon had introduced them at the White House. She wondered how he was coping. She knew they were close and started to worry about him.  
  
When the coffin had gone out of sight, the music stopped and everyone made their way outside. CJ wasn't going to the wake, she had to get back to the White House, and so wanted to offer her condolences to his family before she left. She saw someone she resumed was Simon's mother and went up to her. As she made her way to the lady she wiped her face to hide the tears.  
  
"Mrs Donovan?" CJ asked.  
  
"Yes." said a lady with tears running down her face.  
  
"I'm sorry to disturb you at such a difficult time. I'm CJ Cregg." See paused for a second. Now she was speaking to her she didn't know quite what to say. "Well I just wanted to offer my condolences."  
  
"Thank you dear. Simon talked about you a lot."  
  
CJ was surprised by Mrs Donovan's comments but tried to hide it. "He was my agent for a while."  
  
"He said how much he admired you and how he was glad he'd been assigned to you."  
  
CJ could feel the tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Thank you." Was all she could say.  
  
"Well I have to go now."  
  
"If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know." CJ offered.  
  
"Thank you." Mrs Donovan turned away from CJ.  
  
CJ watched as Simon's family got into their cars and drove off behind the hurst. She could feel tears rolling down her face uncontrollably. The more she tried to wipe the tears away the more they came.  
  
All of a sudden she felt someone put their arm around her. She moved her head and saw Toby stood next to her.  
  
"It's ok CJ. Everything is going to be ok."  
  
CJ sank her head into Toby and said "No it's not."  
  
"Come on lets get you home."  
  
"No, I have to get back to the office." CJ protested, looking up at Toby.  
  
"No you don't. You need a break."  
  
CJ let go of him and nodded. They walked down the street and found a taxi. As they got in, Toby gave the driver instructions to his house. He didn't want CJ to be alone right now and by the fact she didn't object, he presumed she didn't want to be alone either.  
  
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Toby led CJ into his apartment. She sat down on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Toby left her for a minute to make her a coffee and to get some tissues. When he returned he could see tears pouring from CJ's eyes and down her face. As Toby put the coffee on his coffee table CJ tried to wipe the tears away in the hope he wouldn't notice.  
  
"Have something to drink, you'll feel better."  
  
"I'm fine thanks." CJ answered without looking up at Toby.  
  
Toby sat down on the sofa next to CJ. "CJ you're not fine. You'll been saying you're fine all week and you're clearly not." At this stage Toby was staring at CJ, but she couldn't face him. "Please talk to me." But CJ didn't say a word.  
  
"Simon's death has hit you harder than you dare to admit." CJ wondered what he was implying. "I don't think what was between you and Simon was as serious as Anne alleged, yet I do think there was something going on."  
  
CJ was shocked by what Toby had said. "How dare you question my professionalism. Simon was my agent that was it. He respected his job, as do I, and the rules that come with the job. Nothing ever happened." She finally looked at Toby as she shouted these words out. Toby saw the tears in her eyes and knew she wasn't telling him the whole truth.  
  
"I don't buy that CJ. Your sorrow is more than just the lost of an acquaintance. You liked him, as he did you, but due to the situation you both knew nothing could happen." As Toby spoke these words CJ got up off the sofa and walked to the window.  
  
"I liked him a lot. We both knew nothing could happen whilst he was my agent but when he told me the person after me was caught, we both knew we could give into our feelings."  
  
Toby walked over to the window and put his arm around CJ. "I'm so sorry." He could feel the pain of CJ's loss. Even though he'd expected what CJ had admitted, hearing it made it so much worse. He wondered how CJ had coped for the last week.  
  
"When he left me at the theatre I was so happy, happier than I'd been in a long time. Then within a few hours it had been shattered. I can't believe he's gone." CJ turned to Toby and he received her in his arms.  
  
"It's going to be ok CJ."  
  
All of a sudden Toby's phone rang and he left CJ to answer it. He returned a couple of minutes later.  
  
"CJ, I'm really sorry but I have to go back to the office." Toby really didn't want to leave her alone right now but he couldn't take her back to work. She was in no fit state to stand in front of the press. "I'll call a cab and I'll drop you off at your apartment on the way."  
  
CJ nodded. She thought about saying she was ok to go back to the west wing yet she knew she couldn't. She needed some time, time to truly accept what had happened.  
  
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Toby watched helplessly as CJ exited the cab. He really didn't want to leave her but he had no choice.  
  
CJ slowly made her way into her apartment. She had neither the energy nor the motivation to walk at her usual quick rate. Once inside she headed straight for the sofa and collapsed on it. She was both mentally and physically drained. The last time she had seen Simon kept playing over in her mind. How could this have happened? She knew he was a brilliant shot, how could a young thief had the chance to shoot him? So many questions filled her mind yet she could find no answers. Her eyes finally closed and she drifted off into a deep sleep.  
  
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CJ awoke abruptly to the noise of her phone. She quickly glanced at her watch and realised it was 9pm. She had been asleep for six hours. She didn't feel in the mood to speak to anyone right now so she let it go onto her answer phone.  
  
"Hi CJ. Sorry I'm calling so late I just wanted to see how you were doing? Phone me if you need to talk in the night. If you need more time, don't worry about coming into work tomorrow. Anyway, bye."  
  
CJ sensed the worry in Toby's voice. As she lay on her sofa for a while she thought about going into work. She knew she wasn't ready to go back yet hated sitting around doing nothing. She wondered what Toby had told the others for why she didn't go back to the office after the funeral. Yet what was playing on her mind the most was what she'd told Toby. It seemed weird admitting that she'd like Simon. Part of her wished she hadn't told Toby yet the other part of her felt relieved that she had finally confessed it to someone. She had been keeping her feelings for Simon secret for so long and now she had finally told someone took some of the weight from her shoulders. Yet she was still full of grief and guilt and she felt that no amount of talking would change that. 


	6. Everybody hurts, sometimes

Fanfic Title: An act of bravery  
  
Summary of chapter: People are worried about CJ and the more they try, the further away CJ seems to go. But will she finally admit she needs help in order to help someone else?  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters from The West Wing and the story where this fanfic starts from belong to Aaron Sorkin, John Wells and NBC.  
  
I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I'm pretty busy at the moment and won't be able to update as regularly for a while. Take care :)  
  
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CJ awoke the next morning with a blinding headache. She made her way to the kitchen to find some painkillers. She put the cold water tap on and went to switch the TV on. As we filled a glass with water and took two painkillers she watched the morning news. At first she didn't really concentrate on what the reporters were talking about, but then she saw a picture of herself dressed in black. She noticed it was of her at the funeral yesterday. In the picture she was stood talking to Mrs Donovan. She turned the volume up to hear the report.  
  
"St Michaels Church was packed with family and friends of Special Agent Simon Donovan, including White House press secretary Claude Jean Cregg. Special Agent Donovan was assigned to protect Miss Cregg until just before his death, after she received death threats. He is described as having been an exceptional agent and will be sadly missed by family and friends."  
  
CJ switched the tv off. She could no longer watch it. Seeing his face on the screen made her so upset. She hadn't even realised that there had been any press at the funeral. She then wondered what other pictures the press had of her. Would anyone have pictures of her with Toby after the funeral when she was crying? She sat for a while thinking. She had her head in her hands and her headache was pounding. She finally got up and made her way to the bathroom to get ready.  
  
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As CJ made her way into the West Wing passed security she looked at her watch. She realised she was a lot later than usual and had a senior staff meeting in a couple of minutes.  
  
She quickly made her way into her office and put her belongings down.  
  
"CJ, I've been looking for you. Margaret phoned half an hour ago to say senior staffers meeting has been brought forward." Said Carol as she made her way into CJ's office.  
  
"What?! Why didn't anyone try to phone me and tell me?!"  
  
"I tried but your mobile was off, I paged you a few times and there was no answer on your home phone."  
  
CJ realised she hadn't bothered to turn her mobile or pager on this morning and she'd taken longer than usual to walk into work. "Ok I better get going." CJ quickly picked up a pad and pen and made her way to Leo's office.  
  
CJ knocked on Leo's door.  
  
"Come in." Leo shouted.  
  
CJ opened the door and walked in. She saw Josh and Sam stood up in front of Leo, who was sat at his desk  
  
"Sorry Leo I'm late."  
  
"That's ok. Toby said you might not be in today, so we started without you."  
  
"Ok." CJ was shocked that Toby had said she might not be in. How dare he? She didn't need him making excuses for her. Yesterday she was upset, understandably. But she was fine today. Then it suddenly dawned on her Toby wasn't there. "Where's Toby?"  
  
"He had a meeting this morning, a last minute thing" Josh replied.  
  
CJ wasn't sure if Josh was telling the whole truth. He looked a bit agitated about answering the question and so did Sam for that matter. But CJ brushed her concern away, if it was important they would have told her, they usually did. In a way she was relieved Toby wasn't there, she was kind of embarrassed by how she had reacted yesterday in front of him and didn't want to have to answer questions about her feelings for Simon right now.  
  
"Anyway we are about done here" Leo said. "Sam could you fill CJ in for me?"  
  
"Yes sure." Sam smiled at CJ.  
  
"Ok then." Sam, Josh and CJ made there way out of Leo's office.  
  
Josh was met by Donna. "Hey Josh. Mr Ross phoned for you while you were in with Leo, he said to ring him back when you're free."  
  
Josh let out a sigh. "I was meant to phone him back yesterday. Donna could you get him back on the phone now."  
  
"Yes sure."  
  
"I'll see you both later" Josh said to Sam and CJ, and then followed Donna back to his office.  
  
CJ continued to follow Sam to his office. When they entered, they both sat down.  
  
"So anyway CJ how are you? Toby said you were a bit upset yesterday."  
  
"I'm fine." CJ was shocked by what Sam said, what exactly had Toby being saying about her? "I don't know what Toby told you, but I was ok yesterday, just a bit tired."  
  
"He just said you were a little upset, which is understandable CJ, Simon's death has hit everyone hard." Sam was worried CJ was thinking that everyone had been talking about her behind her back.  
  
"And you think Simon's death has hit me harder than anyone else?" She felt like Sam was implying that she wasn't dealing with his death well.  
  
"No not at all CJ, I'm just worried about you, that's all."  
  
"Well I don't need you to worried about me Sam, I'm fine." CJ was angry. What had Toby told him about yesterday?  
  
Sam could sense how angry CJ was. This wasn't like her, she usual kept her cool. Her behaviour just fuelled Sam's worry yet he didn't feel it was the right time to take his questioning any further, well not until Toby got back.  
  
Sam apologised and CJ calmed down. He then filled her in on the meeting. CJ hardly spoke, she just wanted to know what she needed to know and then get back to her office. As Sam finished, she thanked him and promptly left. Sam sat there for a while thinking about CJ's behaviour. She wasn't herself and he was so concerned about her, but he wasn't sure what to do.  
  
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CJ made her way into the briefing room. It was full at usual.  
  
"Hi Guys. I only have a few announcements so I'll get through them all and take a couple of questions afterwards."  
  
CJ went through all the announcements and then took a couple of questions. It took a while for CJ to realise Anne was in the room with her hand up. CJ wondered if to allow her to ask her question, but she realised she'd have to answer her sooner or later.  
  
"Yes, Anne." As CJ pointed to Anne, she looked down at the notes on her podium and then looked her in the eyes.  
  
"Yesterday you were pictured at the funeral of Special Agent Donovan. Why were you there?"  
  
"I went to pay my respects. Michael."  
  
"Sorry but I have a follow up question. Witnesses yesterday say they saw you crying during the funeral, was this due to your feeling for Special Agent Donovan which you have denied up to now?  
  
"No I wasn't crying, your witnesses must be mistaken. Michael."  
  
"Wait, I haven't finished. CJ, why did you go to the funeral if you didn't have feelings for him?"  
  
"I went to the funeral to pay respect to an agent that I was lucky enough to know. Anne it may be hard for you to believe but Mr Donovan was my agent and I was his protectee, that was it. Michael."  
  
Michael hesitated before asking his question, he half expected Anne to ask another follow up question, but she didn't. Anne stayed quiet.  
  
During the rest of the press briefing Anne's questions played on her mind. She'd lied to Anne. Of course she had been crying but she couldn't admit it to the press of all people.  
  
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The afternoon briefing went a lot better than the morning's. CJ saw Anne's hand up and pointed to her out of curiosity. Yet to CJ's amazement Anne asked a question with regards to the US Budget rather than Simon. CJ didn't answer for a few seconds out of shock. Was this the end of Anne's allegations?  
  
As CJ walked out of the briefing room at the end, Anne caught up with her.  
  
"CJ can I have a word with you?"  
  
"Sure, come to my office."  
  
When they were inside, CJ closed the door and walked over to Anne.  
  
"What can I do for you?"  
  
"My editor has spoken to me and told me to apologise for my actions over the last week. I'm sorry for the allegations I made against you and any pain they may have caused you, you won't hear of them again."  
  
CJ wasn't sure if Anne really meant her apology. She was sure it was really her editor who had told her to apologise, but why? Her editor didn't normally have any issues with printing her ridiculous stories in the past, why should now be any different?  
  
"Well thanks for your apology." Anne nodded and left promptly.  
  
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There was a knock at CJ's door.  
  
"Hi Josh, what's up?"  
  
Josh didn't look his cheerful self as he walk in. "I wondered if I could have a chat with you?"  
  
"This seems serious! Sure, have a seat." CJ pointed to her sofa and Josh sat down.  
  
"I haven't had a chance to speak to you since you got back and see how you are doing?"  
  
"I'm fine Josh, why does everyone keeps asking me this questions?!" CJ thought that by now people would have stopped asking her if she was ok. She didn't seem to understand why people were so concerned about her.  
  
"Because people are worried about you CJ. You haven't been acting your usual self for the past week."  
  
"Well sorry for not being as cheerful as you" CJ said sarcastically.  
  
"You're not handling Simon's death well, everyone can see it."  
  
"I'm handling it fine. What would you know about it anyway."  
  
"A hell of a lot more than you think." Josh paused for a second. "When I was shot I didn't deal with what had happened well. I thought I could handle it myself, but I couldn't CJ. It hurt so much inside, I didn't know what was happening to me. I needed help CJ, I didn't want to admitted but I needed someone to help me through it."  
  
CJ didn't rely. She was thinking over what Josh had said. She remembered what Josh was like the Christmas before last. He was on edge all the time, lashing out at people, and he'd even shouted at the President. She could remember how worried she was about Josh at the time and it made her realise how people must be feeling about her right now. She had only been looking at it from her point of view. She had to admit that she hadn't been herself and given what had happened she couldn't blame her colleagues for being worried about her.  
  
"Josh, I – I don't know what to say."  
  
Josh looked down at his hands. "CJ at the time people asked if I was ok and I replied as you do, 'I'm fine', but I knew I wasn't." CJ turned away from him and looked out of the window. Josh got up and stood behind her. "At the time I thought that talking wouldn't help, how could it change what had happened? But after Leo forced me to talk to someone I realise everyone had been right and talking was the answer." Josh put his hand on CJ's shoulder. "It's clear to me that you need help and I think you realise it to."  
  
"Josh I'm fine." CJ still couldn't look at him.  
  
"No CJ you're not and you know you're not. I think deep down you realise that you need help. Come on CJ you can't keep it bottled up forever."  
  
CJ turned round to face Josh. He hadn't realised that she had been crying. "Oh CJ come here." He put his arms around her to give her a friendly hug. He held her for a couple of seconds and then CJ moved away from him.  
  
"Thanks Josh." CJ smiled at him and dried the tear from her eyes.  
  
Josh pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to CJ. "This is the number of the chancellor I saw last year. CJ try him, he's good."  
  
CJ didn't answer as she accepted the piece of paper. She looked at it for a bit and then looked back at Josh.  
  
"CJ give him a try. I know it's hard at the beginning, admitting you need help, but once you've done that, it gets easier, trust me."  
  
CJ looked at the piece of paper again and then said "Ok."  
  
Josh smiled at her. "I should go, Donna is probably looking for me. CJ if you need to talk to a friend or need anything, I'm always here for you."  
  
"Thanks." As CJ smiled back at Josh, he left.  
  
She sat down at her desk and stared for a moment at the phone number and name on the piece of paper. Did she really need to call him? She was feeling a lot better and with Anne dropping her allegations, she thought things could finally get back to normal. But the pain was still there and she wondered if it would ever go. She didn't want to forget Simon but she wanted the pain to go away. She thought about what Josh had said and realised she needed to talk to someone. As she reached for the phone it began to ring.  
  
"Hello, CJ Cregg."  
  
"Oh hello, it's Mrs Donovan here. I wondered if I could talk to you?" As soon as the lady spoke CJ recognised the voice from Simon's funeral.  
  
"Yes of course."  
  
"At Simon's funeral you asked me whether there was anything that I needed help with, and well, Oh I'm sorry, you are probably very busy at the moment."  
  
"No it's ok, what is it you need from me?" CJ said sincerely.  
  
"It's Simon's brother Anthony, I'm worried about him. He's not dealing Simon's death well and he won't talk to me. The rest of the family are still too upset and think he just needs time, but Miss Cregg I think it's more than that."  
  
"I met him once, Simon brought him to the White House. He seemed a good kid."  
  
"He is, but since Simon's death he's been so distance and never around. I got a phone call from the police last night to say they had picked him up for vandalism. They let him off due to the circumstances but I'm worried it will get worse. Miss Cregg I wondered if you'd talk to him."  
  
"Mrs Donovan, I'm not sure if I'm the best person to talk to him. I hardly know him."  
  
"There is no one else. I tried his teachers but he doesn't trust them and I don't think he'd talk to them anyway. When Anthony came home after meeting you, I couldn't shut him up. He kept talking about the White House and you, I think he looked up to you Miss Cregg. Please, just try and have a talk with him."  
  
CJ thought over what Mrs Donovan had said. She sounded so worried about him and CJ knew how much Anthony meant to Simon. CJ knew that Simon would want her to at least have a try. "Ok Mrs Donovan, ask him to come and see me tomorrow at 4pm."  
  
"Oh thank you Miss Cregg."  
  
"That's ok. Take care now."  
  
CJ put the phone down and put her head into her hands. In a way she was flattered that Mrs Donovan had asked her, yet she was worried about Anthony's reaction. CJ knew Anthony didn't want Simon to go to New York and that the reason he went was because of her. CJ was worried Anthony would blame her.  
  
CJ started to look for a report on her desk she needed to read for a meeting. She then spotted the piece of paper on her desk Josh had given her. She stared at it again for a while and then reached the phone, if she was to try and help Anthony she had to let people help her too.  
  
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As CJ left the West Wing to go home she saw Toby entering.  
  
"Are you just coming back from you meeting now?" CJ still hadn't been told who Toby had been meeting but she couldn't understand why he was only returning now.  
  
"No, it was this morning but I had a few other places I had to go after." Toby seemed to be a bit secretive. It wasn't like him not to elaborate on where he had been.  
  
"Anyway I'm off home now, see you tomorrow." CJ turned to walk away from him but heard Toby shouting after her.  
  
"CJ wait a minute. I haven't had chance to talk to since I left you at your apartment yesterday. How are you?"  
  
Not this question again! "I'm fine and don't worry Sam and Josh have made up for you!" CJ stared around for a minute and then turned back to him. "Toby forget about what happened yesterday, I was upset and said some things, that well, you should just forget, ok."  
  
"No CJ, I can't just forget it. You admitted you had feelings for Simon and even if you can't realise it yourself, his death has affected you badly. You need help."  
  
"Toby I don't need you to interfere in my life. I'm fine."  
  
CJ turned and walked away from Toby. She was so angry. She wished so much she hadn't broken down in front of him. She wondered whether she should have told him she'd made an appointment with a councillor to get him to leave her alone. But then she thought, why did she have to tell him everything? This was nothing to do with him and she didn't need his help. 


End file.
